Thoughts and Prayers

For those of you who may not know, I was diagnosed with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy of the left leg and ankle in 2006 following a worker's comp injury. RSD is a chronic pain condition where the nerves become damaged after a seemingly simple injury (a twisted ankle in my case), and the signaling gets stuck in the 'on' position. Once that happens, the Central Nervous System is then considered damage and there is currently no FDA-approved 'cure'. You may have heard of the people who go to Germany and get put into a coma for a week to reset the brain; that procedure is not approved here yet, though there are similar ones with the same drugs that are allowed. I will have this for the rest of my life, and I am only 23- that is a big hard knock pill for me to swallow. I have been through PT, 18 spinal nerve blocks (and counting!), a spinal cord stim trial, and so many meds I can't name them all. For more info about my disease and the treatment that the doctors are recommending (Spinal Cord Stimulator), visit the two sites below:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_regional_pain_syndrome
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinal_cord_stimulator

Brian has never known me without this disease, and he has dedicated all he has and all he is to caring for me. I am not allowed to drive, cannot work or go to school; I am an invalid. There are days I cannot get out of bed. Brian knows all of this, and yet he never complains- he washes my hair when I can't stand in the shower and have to use the shower stool, he makes me meals, he wakes up and gets me drinks at 3 am when I have cotton mouth, he drives me everywhere, I even moved in with him because he is better able to care for me than my mom is with her work schedule (we had planned to wait until after the wedding)...I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. Ask anyone who have met him, and they will tell you what a God-given gift I have in Brian.

I just wanted to give an update that we are going to court for my worker's comp case next Tuesday, Feb 3. This is not for the entire case, but to determine whether a Spinal Cord Stimulator is "medically necessary". This has been over a year in the making (I had the trial part end of October 2008, and was supposed to have the permanent surgery beginning of Dec 2008, and they denied it the day before the surgery. Ever since then, it's been a fight), and even though we have the medical data and doctor backing we need, it's not guaranteed. If they deny this on Feb 3, it's a final decision and I cannot dispute it- so the court date and possible outcomes are weighing heavily on me.

Right now, this is the only procedure that will offer me relief that I can hope for (ketamine infusions, the drug they use in the Germany comas, are an option, but the doctor who does them, Dr. Schwartzman out of Drexel, is the world's leading expert in my disease and has a waiting list of over 2 years. My current appointment date with him is end of January 2012!). It's not ideal, but nothing regarding what I have is, so this is what I am hoping for to help me live pain-free.

I do have to say, this has been a learning experience for me. I struggled for many months after being denied the surgery- it was my dream that I could walk down the aisle without support of a person/cane/crutches/wheel

chair, and it seemed to me that they stole the 'beauty' of my day right out from under me. I have grown though- and learned that that's not what it's about at all. Coming to the realization that if Brian will love me sick, he will love me well was one that was difficult for me (I believe he deserves so much better, he's dedicated his life at 23 to taking care of an invalid and has never once made a derogatory or hurtful comment about it and now I am crying...). Nevertheless, I am happy to say that whether I walk down the aisle with a (very jazzed up and decorated) cane or without aide, the outcome will be the same, and that is all that matters. The walk back down and the first dance with no pain would be icing on the cake, but it's not going to make or break our special day.

It’s also been a growing process for me in other ways, not just in wedding planning. Brian and I made the decision to attend pre-marital counseling (outside of what our church requires with a Christian counselor who specializes in this) because we realize the strain that this could have on us and our relationship, and we want to be as prepared as a couple can be for whatever life throws at them. I HIGHLY recommend all engaged couples attend separate pre-marital counseling from what their church may require (no matter the denomination); consider it ‘fireproofing’ your marriage.

But in other ways, too, I have changed. I try my hardest to let go of things and give them to God (my faith has been amazingly strengthened during all of this), and that has become much easier as time has gone on. I try to find the good in things; Ma Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie once said, “There is no great loss without some small gain”, and I try to find that small gain in everything I do. It has helped tremendously to see and appreciate the little things (like going for random ice cream with friends and laughing for over an hour!). I have learned to accept where I have gone wrong and try to right that wrong as best I can- I realized that if I can apologize and try to make that first step where someone else may not, my relationships with everyone in my life have improved dramatically. I try (still learning on this one) to not stress about it all; God will make it work. Most of all, I have learned the power of prayer and the wonder of my faith. While the response to those prayers may not be what I want to hear, God is always with me and has many bigger and better things in mind for me. I get very happy (not proud, but genuinely happy) when I see the growth I have made in my life and in my relationships and in my faith. I realize I still have a very far way to go, and that it's a never-ending journey of growth, but this time has been such an eye-opener for me. I have found out that family, no matter if they mess up, love you and will try their best to always be there for you. I have learned the bonds of sisterhood (both real and relationship-wise!) cannot be broken, no matter how much you or someone else you know tries. I have learned who my true friends are, and feel so welcomed and loved by the heartfelt emotions that comes of a great friendship. I have learned that reconnecting with great friends lost along the way is a marvelous thing in and of itself, but rebuilding that relationship that once meant so much is a glorious and awe-inspiring thing, indeed. I have learned the wonders of prayer and a church family, and cannot thank God and those from that family enough for their gentle loving and guidance. Even with being sick, I feel so extraordinarily blessed- thank you so very, very much to those who have played an important role in my life.

Therefore, anyway, if y'all could offer up some prayers, thoughts, and vibes for me, it would be very greatly appreciated. I know I haven't always been the easiest person to get along with, and I realize that; if we have had our differences, please, take this as a sincere apology. I have learned the bitterness and poison of hatred and the sting of bitterness, and I have learned that life is so much better with an apology, a smile, and wiping the slate clean. You all are wonderful. If anyone has any questions, please, feel free to email me and ask away- msbriarrose@gmail.com.

If I forgot to tag you, I am sorry. It does not mean, in anyway, that you are not important. I went through the list and tried to get everyone as best I could. There are so many of you who are very important, and I love you just as much!

Annnnnd enough of the sappiness. Back to business as usual!

When it rains, it pours.

Oy Vey.  Does it ever...

I told you about my "problem" with my bachelorette party (not really a problem, as we can always replan.  More like a disappointment).  Well, in addition to the stress of dealing with that, I now I have to deal with Court.  Yes, Court.

Apparently, I have court scheduled for February 3rd.  I won't go into details, because it's just too much.  Either way, it doesn't change the fact that I didn't know, court is in less than 2 weeks, and I am stressed beyond belief.  Add in the health care issue (ie me trying to get full coverage), well, my anxiety level is sky high.

Thank God for Brian.  I don't know what I would do without his support and love.  He is determined to stick this out by my side, and for that I am eternally grateful.  He is my blessing from Heaven and the Father above, no doubt.

Tonight he took me to the mall.  I got all dolled up (which I don't do often at all!), and we went browsing.  Well it was a good thing we did, because we got some great news.  Not only did I have a $15 gift card to spend at Sephora (where the eye shadows I wanted were only $7!!!), but we also went to Coach to check out the cracking on my purse.  They told me they could send it away to try and have it fixed, but because it's more than a year old, there was no guarantee.  Now, I love my Coach purse.  I don't really have any other "loves" in life- I can't wear shoes that aren't up to standard and I am not huge into jewelry.  I do love my handbags, though.  And I use them-and use them hard.  They certainly don't sit in a closet somewhere gathering dust. 

When I heard that there was no guarantee, I hesitated about sending it away- I love my purse!  But then she gave me glorious news- if I don't send it away and 'deal with it (the breaking)', then Coach will offer me 40% off any one object in the store (since their products are supposed to withstand the test of time).  I have been asking for a nice leather purse for a while now, and Brian has hinted at one for my birthday.  Now, though, it seems inevitable- I can't pass up a deal like that!  I told him that he could combine birthday and Valentine's Day, and maybe go halfers with my mom.  We will see.  He knows which one I love.  I may call the outlet store and maybe check there as well, just to see if we can get a better deal.  Who knows? 

After walking the mall, we met up with two of my girlfriends (and one of their husbands) for ice cream.  I love these girls- they are so supportive, so sweet, and such strong examples of women.  I am so happy they were brought into my life, and I can't wait to see where life takes our relationships.  After being burned by a former friend who essentially used me for her own benefits and discarded me when I no longer suited her needs, having some true friends who ginually care for me is a wonderful and enlightening thing.

We had a riot while eating ice cream- we laughed and laughed, then laughed some more.  I love simple moments like that.  It doesn't take alot of money for the thing in life that really matter.  A few dollars, a bowl of ice cream, and a great group of friends is one of those things that make it all worth it.  While there are others out there who thing it takes expensive things (like expensive jewelry and cars) and expensive experiences, those are the ones who will not only never learn the true meaning of happiness, but they will be miserable in all relationships of life, including marriage.  I pity those who don't know true happiness- it's a wonderful gift in life.

Hidden blessings

With the Haiti earthquake's devestation a week old, there are much questions about what will be done now that the full magnitude of everything is being understood..  What can we do at home?  When will the supplies offered up by so many countries be delivered to the people?  Will they continue to look for survivors, or does it turn into body retrival at this juncture?  How will we, as a nation and as a world, make sure that this type of devestation doesn't occur again- both here, in Haiti, and around the world?  The questions seem endless, while answers are in short supply.

It boggles my mind that it took this- a magnitude 7.0 earthquake in the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere- for the world (and subsequently us Americans) to sit up and take notice.  The fact that these people lived in turmoil before this does not play heavy on most people's hearts, and that (for me), is terrifying.  Where did compassion, grace, forgiveness, charity, love for one's neighbor- where did they all go?  So many people are cleaning out their clothes to donate to the relief effort, or are writing donation checks to the Red Cross and Lutheran World Relief (the second largest relief agency in the world behind the Red Cross).  Why weren't these things being done sooner?  Why does it take such tragedy to wake us up?

Please, do not misunderstand me- I am in no way discouraging you from helping out our neighbors, our sisters and brothers in Christ, down in Haiti.  If you have already donated, volunteered in some way, or helped as best you could, I commend you.  If not, I urge you to help.  I think what shocks me most about this situation is the hardening of our hearts (especially Americans) to the world around us.

We are so fortunate, in so many ways!  Hidden blessings, indeed.  Food in your tummy, clothes on your back, a roof over your head.  If you have these things, then you are fortunate.  I don't want to hear about not having the latest designer label clothes or shoes.  Shut up about not having that Coach or D&B bag.  I don't give a crap that you don't have an iPhone, or a nice car, or all that other stuff our greedy country has become so 'dependent' on.  You don't need it!  Take a look at the world around you- at the homeless vets on the street, the children sleeping in the cold, the starving and dying mothers and fathers around the world.  And yet, we sit here and complain. 

Please, don't ever forget your hidden blessings.  Whenever Brian and I say goodbye (whether he is going to work, I am going to girls night, or wherever), we always say "I love you" to each other.  He is the greatest blessing in my life, and I try to portray that to him in every moment we are together.  If that moment happens to be our last together, I don't want to spend it arguing, but telling him how very much I am thankful for him.  I am sure we each have hidden blessings in our lives- relationships, pets, church and real families, on and on.  Thank God for them every day!

Matthew 25:31-46 tells us the story of what will happen to those during the Final Judgement.  When you feed, or clothe, or love your neighbor, you are doing so to Christ as well.  Don't just stand there and pass them by!  You can help right in your own community in addition to helping out around the world.  Yes, giving money is easy.  Why not take it a step further?  Volunteer at a meal kitchen- The Sunday Breakfast Mission in Wilmington is a GREAT oppurtunity to learn and help.  Organize a food or clothing drive- The Food Bank of Delaware would greatly appreciate it.  Spend time playing games in the evening with homeless families and children- I know Family Promise of New Castle County would love to have your help.


And please, consider donating to either the American Red Cross or to Lutheran World Relief.  Both organizations are down in Haiti right now, helping and praying right alongside the world.  They need your help, too.  What do you have to lose?  $10 that could save someone's life?  Do you really need that tee shirt from Forever 21?

To help, text "Haiti" to 90999 to donate $10 to the American Red Cross.  Text "LWR" to 40579 to donate $10 to Lutheran World Relief.  All money goes directly to help Haiti, and the charge is placed onto your cell phone bill.

It keeps getting better...or so I thought.

Booked the salon and the DJ, AND called all the hotels and got rates for them all! Now we can decide on the best ones for our guests, and book a block!

Getting the salon was a b!tch, I will tell ya that. I have been trying for the past 6 months to get ahold of their wedding coordinator, and have not had any of the 3 phone calls returned. It wasn't until I called the 4th time and asked to speak to manager, where I then threatened to go to another salon, that they finally started taking me seriously. The bridal coordinator finally called me back, took all my info and items down and put us in the system. When I asked pricing, she said that the bridal page on the website was up to date, except for her name (the new coordinator). She said she would mail out the packet of info so that we could make the required deposits. Well, on the page it said that deposits were due a week after booking your appointments. Of course, a week rolled around, and I don't have the packet- which has all the info I need. I was furious. I called up and asked for a manager again, and explained why I was so irritated and ready to take my business elsewhere. My mom and I are both clients there, and I wanted to make sure I booked our stylist (Jeremy, who is AWESOME!) because he is pretty popular. I also wanted to budget and be able to have all this taken care of if something happens with me. I told them I understand the post office says 7-10 days for mail, but at this point, I am so irritated that I am ready to cancel and go somewhere else. Well, I guess Jeremy stepped in at this point- he doesn't want to lose clients! When the manager finally called me back, and I explained that the bridal coordinator said everything online was up to date, and why I was irritated, they were very apologetic (again), and this time, offered to comp my trial hair and makeup! Hopefully, this will be the end of the drama with the salon...

The drama continues though, in the form of my bachelorette party. At this point, I am really feeling that I can't catch a break with this wedding- it's surrounded by drama, and I am very hurt by much of what has happened. I have lost one bridesmaid because of her greedy and selfish attitude, another bridesmaid because of her temper and nasty mouth/words, the salon, etc. It's just been very painful for Brian and I- it's like everyone's attitude is that they are more important and that our wedding (and subsequently our marriage) just does not matter. I am not asking for loads of attention, but I am asking for the respect that other brides are given when it comes to their wedding.

Since I can't trust certain people who read this, I won't go into details here; it seems everything I do is labeled as a lie, so instead of putting the truth out there for the world to see, I will give it to those who care.  If you want to know, feel free to leave your email.  Since grown ups can't act like adults, it will have to stay this way.  Once those people learn to leave it alone (yeah, 'cause they are soooo perfect themselves with their facebook comments), then maybe I will post the full story.  Oh and one more thing.  Once you turn 18, you are considered an adult.  So stop having Mommy and Daddy fight your battles for you, and pick up the phone and call yourself if you are so concerned.  If you aren't, that's fine- then tell your Mommy and Daddy to stay the heck out of your business, when it doesn't involve them one iota.

I will say this- it's coming to the point that if Brian and I are not starting to be respected as a couple, people are getting cut from the guest list. I don't want to do that, but when I have close friends who support me and love us as a couple, and they can't attend because the b!tches in my family are invited just because they are family... something is gonna give here, and soon. I don't care about etiquette at this point. My happiness with Brian, and our happiness as a couple, are what matters- and if you don't care, then get out.

Wedding Plans and Updates

It is a wedding blog, after all...

Let's see, where do I begin? How about with the little tidbit of info that oh, Brittany has majorly slacked off of wedding planning and now has a mountain instead of a mole hill?

Yes, I know. I am a slacker. I readily admit that. Even here, I am a slacker, for sure. And now, I have to get on the ball, since it's 2010, I AM GETTING MARRIED THIS YEAR. Yes, THIS YEAR. In less than NINE (9) MONTHS! Where, oh where, did the time go? I thought I had more...

Anyway, let us see. What's been done? Well, the girls chose their dresses. They haven't been ordered yet, but they have all chosen something that is long, satin, and that they are most comfortable in. I told my girls I didn't care if it was separates, gown, strapless, sleeved...I just wanted them comfortable. Thank God I went that route, because everyone chose a different dress. All the dresses are from Alfred Angelo; Meghan and Kelly will be in Cobalt Blue (the same color as my train), and Val will be in Black. If there are any accent ribbons or sashes, they will be in White on all dresses.

Meg, my Maid of Honor, chose a two piece (yes, MEGHAN chose the two piece...MEGHAN, who swore from the get go she would only get a slinky one piece because the separates were for oldies. HA!). Here is a picture of what Meg is wearing (with a slightly different skirt). I apologize for the white on white coloring, I couldn't find it in a different color set. Note the tux points at the top:



Kelly chose a gown that has thick shoulder straps and a deep V neck in the front. In the back, attached at the small of the back, is a separate flowing sash that reaches down to about her knees; since it's only attached at the small of her back, it moves freely. The gown is very becoming on Kelly, and you could tell she looked and felt very comfortable in it. We may have some extra fabric sewn into the V, if it's too low for her to be comfortable in:


























Val chose a gown as well. It's strapless, with a ribbon accent underneath the bust. on the left hand side, the dress splits from the ribbon accent, and the same color is shown off between the split:

All of the girls look wonderful in their dresses, and it only took about 45 minutes to look, try, decide, and put it down on paper. We went early, and we know; Meg is away for Study Abroad for 6 weeks, and seeing as how the shop's suggested timing for ordering is while she is away, we went early and now have the paperwork ready to order. It's best that we didn't pay and order yet anyway; one of my good Knottie friends, Jackie, told me that not only does my salon (Brides and Grooms in Newark, DE) give 15% off bridesmaid dresses since I ordered my dress there, they also will price match, including online competitors. Well, you can bet your pinky toe I jotted down those numbers and am searching online for the best price. My take on it all is I asked them to be in my wedding, they didn't volunteer themselves for the time and financial burden, so any way that I can possibly save them some money, I will. I am asking them to wear silver shoes (possibly black for Val), but I am not making them buy matching dyed expensive ones; use the ones that are in your closet, don't buy a special pair for one day!

One of the vendors that I had been dreading booking is the DJ. I know, it's silly, but for me, I hated it like some girls hate dress shopping. Several months ago, I had finally contacted one that was in our price range and was recommended by knotties. Unfortunately, the paperwork got lost during the move, and I couldn't find it anywhere. Then my health went downhill (as it always does right before winter), and that set me back. Add in family stuff and the holidays, and well, you get the idea. So I called him today, and voila, they are still available for my date! They said it happens, and are sending me new paperwork (in the mail already). Once I get that, I can pay my deposit and have them secured. We went with Tom Barrett DJ, if anyone was wondering.

I also booked the salon today, thank God. It may seem like a silly one to book now, but since it's the salon that my mom and I use for our regular 'dos, we wanted to make sure that our stylist was available the day of. Well, it's been a hassle, that's for sure. I have spent months trying to get in touch with these people; 4 phone calls total, and only once did I get a return call (today). It wasn't until I threatened to go to another highly recommended salon that they finally sat up and took notice. I mean, it's not that hard to pass a message on and call a person back; especially one that is bringing 6+ people to your salon. Anyway, they were open for my day, and our stylist was available as well! I have seen their bridal work (my cousin got married in Sept and had her hair done there), so I know it's decent. Their prices aren't bad either, around $65-70 for updos, less for blowouts or simple dos. Considering I had seen many other salons with much higher prices, I am fine with that! Plus, since we have 5 or more people, including the bride, I get my makeup done for FREE!!! Who doesn't love FREE stuff??? I plan on also doing a hair trial, and while not included with the price, it is discounted once I put a deposit down on the place. Right now, it's myself, Mother of the Bride, Mother of the Groom, Meghan, Kelly, and Val. I have a feeling, though, that number is going to go up; that's another reason we booked now, so we can add as needed and they don't have to feel rushed about it.

We found some minor things, too, which I am actually really happy about. When my mom and I were at AC Moore the other day, we went through their "outlet" aisle (the get-rid-of-it-rack). They had the little cones that fold up to put candy inside on the rack, and they were really pretty; they were covered in pretty fabric-like material and had metallic gold accents on them. There were 12 in a pack, marked down from $13 to $1! I showed them to mom, and mentioned that we needed some sort of favor for the Bridal Shower; every other one we have been to had them, even if they were just little (albeit useful) items. I said I don't care about them matching; hand them out as everyone leaves, and no one will notice. So we got 48 cones (half in red half in brown) for $4. Yay!! They also had a "Bridal Shower" kit there; it had enough pages that each guest could do one as an activity at the party (we aren't fans of shower games). It came with stickers and accents and such, and we provide the markers and photos. It was originally $17, and we got it for $2! Such steals! Finally, they had a whole bunch of invitation stuff for 50% off, including a whole stash of Thank You cards in a variety of colors and accents; they were really pretty cards. I showed them to mom, who said I should get the Thank You cards to match my invites. I said that costs a lot, no one is going to notice, and I also need them for shower gifts. There were 20 cards in a pack, and they ended up being $3 a pack; we got 100 cards for $15. Not as great as the other steals, but good enough!

While at AC Moore, we were talking about ideas for favors and activities for the kids. Yes, we are having kids; if you or your sibling is in the Bridal Party, you are invited. That leaves us with 8 kids: Logan, Macey, Aubrey, Torey, Sadey, Sheenie, Devin, and Nate. Well, we had planned on doing several things to keep them occupied, as most of them will be in the younger ranges (13 down to 5). We are doing their table in butcher paper, and supplying crayons to color with during dinner. We will also probably do a table near the back covered in paper with coloring sheets on them. We would also like to do Legos, either as their 'centerpiece' or on a table in the back or out in the cocktail area during the cocktail hour. We figure they will dance once the music starts, but easy ideas to keep them entertained during the non-dancing parts is a good idea. While at AC Moore, in their Dollar Deals, we found packs of 12 crayons, each with a character theme; we picked up each kid their own set of crayons that they can take home with them! Devin gets Disney's Cars, Sheenie and Sadey get Disney Princess, Torey gets Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Aubrey and Macey get Tinkerbell, and Nate gets Spiderman (we plan on getting Logan something a bit more age appropriate). Now, we don't have to get the kids favors, and we got them the crayons to color with as well :)

Brian's dad has agreed to do the videographer and rehearsal dinner; since he teaches in the Business and Hospitality College at UD, we are pretty sure that he can get us Vita Nova for our dinner (that's a restaurant run by the Hotel Restaurant Management major down there, and juniors in the program are required to work there). And since he has contacts through the college for film and video students (they hire the best film students every year to shoot their commercials and ads for prospective students), we are hoping to get someone who won't charge us an arm and leg for decent work.

There is some other minor stuff we have done, but I am really trying to get the ball rolling by doing something little every day. A couple girlfriends are helping me out with what seems to be the overwhelming mountain load (thanks Nicole, Janel, and Kim!!!), and they are lifesavers because of it! Tomorrow I plan on pricing out hotels for our guests, and hopefully ordering Save The Dates from VistaPrint (or at least designing them!).

I will do a post later on about general life, but for now, that gives you the idea of where we are :) I will introduce you to the new love of my life (teehee) in the next post!

::Peeks around::...

Yes, I am alive. I know, you probably thought otherwise, especially if you are keeping up with this blog. And yes, I know I have been a bad blogger. Oh well- deal with it, LOL!

Goodness, where do I even begin?? Brian and I moved! We moved into a "townhome", which is like a mini-townhouse. The kitchen, dining room, and living room are downstairs, and then up a short flight of stairs is the bathroom, bedroom, and a little den/office attached to the bedroom. This place has a washer/dryer (something we didn't have before), and tons of closet space. It has it's own little entrance, not off of some hallway or stairwell. There is even a little garden plot outside our doorway to plant or to hang garden signs if we wish!

We are so happy here. It really feels like a home, instead of an apartment. The neighborhood- and yes, it really feels like a neighborhood instead of an apartment complex- is wonderful. Kids playing outside politely, neighbors who smile and wave, no problems with loud noises or rudeness, actual sidewalks and curbs to walk on (versus the nasty old place we were in). The office staff is extremely polite and helpful. Really, we are so happy with it all. Depending on what happens with money and the tax credit, we may stay here more than a year, that's how much we like it, and we are recommending it to anyone who may be looking for a new place. The best part? Since it's designed with a more efficient space plan, we actually have close to 200 sq ft of usable space that we didn't have at the last place (in actuality, it's only 100 sq ft bigger, but it doesn't have weird hallways or back doors)- and when we signed our lease, we signed during a special, and got this wonderful home for only $45 more a month than we were paying! It really has been a blessing, to have a wonderful home now.

Having this home, instead of being in an apartment, has also helped me a little bit. Instead of being stuck in bed all day, and not wanting to get out because why go a few steps when I can stay in bed?, I can actually go downstairs, and feel like I have accomplished something. I know, that probably made absolutely no sense, but it helps with the depression. Having the washer and dryer in the unit are a blessing- I can watch TV while folding laundry, and I don't have to lug back and forth. We are still in the process of unpacking that last little bit and hanging our pictures and all, but it's coming together nicely.

We are on the lookout for a decent couch/loveseat combo, a couch/oversized chair combo, or a loveseat/oversized chair combo. Right now, the furniture we have makes it painful for me to sit and watch TV for an extended amount of time- I get shooting pains in entire leg up to my hip. It's old furniture, and we are glad to have it for now, but we are of the opinion that it's lived a good life and it needs to go to furniture heaven. Since we don't have the money for a brand new set, we would like to find something either gently used or on clearance (floor models, etc). If you happen to know of anyone in the DE/MD/PA area who might be able to help, please, let us know!

We are in the process of adding to our family- and no, not a baby. We are hoping to have a puppy by the end of the year! Back when surgery was still a possibility, Brian had promised me a dog once I was healed- to help me get out and get moving and so I could also have someone to love on me during the day while he was gone. DO NOT get me wrong, I love our cats, but they aren't exactly come when called and lick my face and cuddle under the cover animals. Having always grown up with a dog, I really am yearning for one. Once the surgery was denied, I was really upset about it. Brian talked to my dad, who thought getting me a dog would still be a good idea- it gives me some responsibility during the day, something to do and take care of and get me up and going. Those things have been lacking in my life, and since I really want something that doesn't give me the option, but requires me to step up to the plate, but also gives me positive feedback, a dog seems like a good option. We are on the lookout, from a reputable breeder, for either a yorkie, a yorkipoo (yorkie poodle mix), or a morkie (a maltese yorkie mix). Reason being for the small dog is we can take care of it in a smaller place, we can train it to piddle pads if the weather is bad or it's a bad pain day for me and we can't get outside, and when outside, it doesn't require the long, strenuous walks that bigger dogs would need but I can't provide. I have always wanted a yorkie or yorkie mix, so this is the perfect time to add to our family. I am already so excited about the idea of getting out of bed and taking it for a walk in the morning, and then going on family walks in the evening once Brian is home. Being a girl, I am also excited about the pet fashion world out there- don't worry, I won't go overboard, just some matching leashes and collars, a cute carrier, and maybe a jacket or two for those cold days (which are actually recommended!). We know we want a girl, so that makes it a little harder to find one- but we will, we will. In the meantime, it's teaching me patience. And please, no grief about the not getting a dog from a shelter and buying from a breeder. Brian and I, with the help of my dad, have made the decision that is best for our family. We have talked over all options, including rescue, and right now, this is what we have decided is right for us. No, we are not against shelters- both our cats are rescues- but with other factors playing in, a breeder dog is where we want to go right now.

Wedding related, there's not much to post on. Again, I have slacked off and have not secured the DJ or the Videographer. We had some family drama this past month as well, and I am not sure if I will have 2 or 3 bridesmaids- I am not going to say any more, as it hurts very much emotionally to think about what happened, and emotional hurt causes me physical pain. I can say this: Brian and I, mostly me, have had thoughts of giving up on this wedding day and just eloping or doing a destination wedding by ourselves. Truth be told, I wouldn't mind it after what all went down. But, I love my family, and I love my soon-to-be in laws. My parents were so happy when we got engaged, my grandmother was beaming, and the same with Brian's family, that I can't do that to them. I know my mom, whether she says or not, wants a happy wedding, and I know my dad wants that walk down the aisle. My sisters have been so supportive during this time in my life, the least I can do is honor them with a place in my wedding- I don't see it as them honoring me by standing beside me, but I see it as they mean the world, and I want them there with me as a thank you, to honor them for the important roles they play in our lives. So, at the end of the day, the wedding goes on...which is fine. Because, at the end of that special day, all that matters to me is that I am Mrs. BLW, and married to Brian.

I will end it there for now, except for one thing. Please, if you are reading this, offer a prayer up for my niece, and for my sister's family. Right now, she is going through the diagnosis stage for Autism; she has the base diagnosis and they know she is on the spectrum, but they don't know where she falls yet. Obviously, this is a big blow- She is 8 years old, and it wasn't expected. While there is comfort in knowing what is wrong, and that she will get the help she so desperately needs, there is also the heartache of knowing she is 1 in 150 children on the spectrum, and that will never go away. Brian and I are so profoundly grateful right now, as well, for so many things- for the fact that my sister is an amazing mom and staunch advocate for her children and will do what needs to be done so my niece gets the best she can, for Shannon and Devin and the training and insight they have offered us in dealing with ASDs- we really see the crossing of our lives now as a blessing from the Lord. He knew what He was doing when I started working with Devin, and He knew that my sister and her family would need that training, guidance, and contacts later down the road. Shannon and her family are such a blessing from God, in so many ways, and we really do thank Him for them on a constant basis. It's amazing how things work out, without knowing why. Anyway, please, offer a prayer up for my niece, T. The family will make it through this, but we can use all the help we can get. Thankfully, we know that God has each of us in His arms, and that He will never give us too much- and if the Devil somehow changes that, the almighty Lord will carry us through, in is strong yet comfortable arms. We also know that mistakes will be made, but at the end of the day, our Father in Heaven loves His children so much that He gave us Jesus to die for our sins, and no matter how sick, guilty, or wrong we are, nothing can take that away- nothing.

Struggling with RSD...

Ever since my surgery got denied, it's been really rough. I have been more depressed lately (I can tell, as can Brian and my family), and the pain has been really bad. My breakthrough pain is really bad, and the doctor had to up my meds again. I just don't know how much more I can take.

At the urging of Brian and my family, I found an RSD message board that has a good amount of traffic on it, so I am able to get some decent answers to many questions I have. So many of my questions my doctor can't answer, which doesn't help me. It often leaves me walking the trail, happening upon many forks in the road, and not knowing which one to take.

One of those forks in the road is about the Spinal Cord Stimulator. When I had my trial done (which went wonderfully), one of the questions my doctor could not answer was about pregnancy. He said he had no data, there were no trials, regarding Spinal Cord Stimulators and pregnancy. And while he said I could give birth, he didn't know about epidurals, C-sections, and how the SCS would affect all of that.

Which left me at a great impass. Brian and I know we want to have a family- I have dreamed about being a mom for so long, I refuse to give it up because of some stupid disease. But with no data, no info, how do I know if I am making the right decision? At the urging of everyone, especially after the positive trial, I decided to pursue the SCS, despite some misgivings I had in the back of my mind. I really thought that this was the best course of option.

Now that I am on this message board, though, I am reconsidering it and reconsidering it more and more. It's been denied once, so we would have to spend the next year fighting it, with no guarantee that I would be granted it. And the research I am doing...well, it's not pleasing me very much. From what I can find out, the SCS may not be the best option. Apparently, when the trial was more than a year before the permanent implant, the likelihood of the permanent implant working as well as the trial implant did diminishes greatly- they don't know why, they just know that it does. And I am reading story after story of the SCS causing RSD to spread to other limbs, making the RSD I have now worse, and just bad things in general- including things from my regular pain specialist. The worst, though, is what I have heard about pregnancy.

Apparently, with pregnancy and SCS, the news is just not good all around. Since my doctor couldn't tell me anything, I asked around to see what others had been told by their doctors. Some patients said (more than one) that their doctors told them during pregnancy, the SCS must be turned off, because of the risk of pre-term labor. Others have told me that I would not be able to have an epidural, which means either doing it without drugs (which I won't be able to do) or if I have to have a C-section for some reason, I would have to be put under general anesthesia. So I have now missed the birth of my child because of an implant that I haven't been able to use for 9 months...something just doesn't seem right here.

So I did a bit more investigating. I had heard rumblings through different articles and such that getting pregnant can put RSD into remission, but I had not found anything conclusive or found any woman who this had happened to. Lo and behold, on the message board, one of the ladies just announced that she is pregnant, and in remission- for the second time! While this does not happen to all women with RSD- some can have their RSD become worse- it seems to happen to the majority of women, from what I can tell. Apparently, it's an auto-immune response, combined with the hormonal changes.

This has made me wonder- okay, now I could, most likely, have children with the epidural and not miss it. But what about the time period when I am not pregnant? What if the remission doesn't happen for me? I can't take the oral pain meds I am on! No, but I CAN take the pain meds through the patch- which I am using right now! Apparently, it is safe to use during pregnancy, as there are a couple of women on the board who have used it during.

Okay, that solves the remission questions. What about the other times? Brian can't keep me pregnant forever, and while the patch would be a short term solution, eventually I would like to be pain free at some point in my life. I had heard of the Ketamine imfusions (you may have too, especially the ketamine comas over in Germany, where they put people into coma for about a week to try and reset the CNS). The coma is not approved for use here in the US, but the imfusion (about 6 hours long) is. It's done in Philly, at Drexel University- not far from where I am. My doctor had mentioned it as an option, and said she would write me a referral if that is what I wanted.

But there are drawbacks, too. My doctor mentioned she had another patient on the imfusions, and while they worked, during the infusions patients experience terrible side effects. My doctor said that she had heard of hallucinations- bad ones. Ones where you are being raped, tortured, killed. But the trade off is being pain free- for a long while. I have heard anywhere from 9 months to two years mentioned. I have to do more research, as this has only recently become a distant possible option.

But where do I draw the line? When do I say, this side effect is better than that side effect? Is the trade off worth it? Brian and I talked about it, and he said he would support me, but that he didn't know if he could be there for 6 hours while I had horrible hallucinations- if he had to, he would tough it out, but he said he couldn't stand to see me go through that. When do I say enough is enough?

I just don't know what to do. I never thought I would have to make decisions like these at 23- decide between missing the birth of my child or hallucinate horrible happenings. what do I do? I have prayed and prayed, and I know there are so many others out there praying for me now (I can't even begin to count the number of prayer chains I am on). I will continue praying, and I know that God will see Brian and I through this. I just wish, for once, I could catch a break from all of this. Maybe, God, it's not too much to ask for a sign of what decision to make? For a little bit of comfort, and alot of healing? I just don't know what to do, and I need some help and guidance.